A Beach Lover: My Miscarriage Story

*I would like to preface this by apologizing for the long post, but hopefully it can help someone relate that is going through this and also the fact that it has a happy ending as I am now 30 weeks pregnant with our first child (you CAN and WILL have a happy ending too)!  Also, this might be a little graphic, but people that have never had a miscarriage just don't understand how horrible it really is.

In honor of miscarriage awareness day today, here is my story...

I found out we were expecting three days before Christmas of 2016.  I smiled to myself as I saw the positive pregnancy test and couldn’t wait to share the news with Steve! 

…We were going to be parents for the first time…

The day before Christmas Eve, I wrapped up the pregnancy test and put it in a holiday gift bag for Steve.  When he came home from work I told him that I had an early Christmas present for him.
He quickly ripped open the bag and said: “YOU’RE PREGNANT?!”  We were both grinning ear to ear and starred at each other smiling and thinking how cool and crazy it was that we were going to be parents.  We couldn’t wait!

Christmas Eve came and went… I pretended to have a few glasses of wine at our Christmas Eve party by filling up my wine glass with gingerale in our laundry room so that my friends and family wouldn’t get suspicious.

Steve and I woke up on Christmas morning and decided that we just had to share the news with our parents, we couldn’t wait!  We ended up telling both of our parents Christmas Day.  They were both 
ecstatic and I’m pretty sure there were many happy tears shed that Christmas!

Flash forward to Friday January 20, 2017- our first 8 week ultrasound at the Dr’s office and we could not be more excited!  We were finally going to see our little baby that we created.  

The day was finally here!

After what feels like forever in the waiting area, they finally call my name and we are brought into the ultrasound room.  The tech immediately starts doing her thing and does not say much.  She starts looking around and voicing what she is looking at and then turns completely silent and stops explaining anything to us.  She finally looks at me after what feels like an eternity and asks me when the start of my last period was and I immediately know that something is not right.

There is so much silence in the room you could literally hear a pin drop.  Steve grabs my hand and gently starts squeezing it.  The ultrasound tech finishes her business and tells me to get dressed and to have a seat in the waiting room.  As she cleans up her machine she takes our 8 week baby pictures and folds them up with her paperwork and leaves the room.

Steve and I both look at each other and I immediately begin sobbing.  He rubs my back and says “we aren’t sure yet, maybe this is how it always goes”.  After he helps me get dressed, we hobble back to the waiting room where we wait for another eternity.

People are starring at us as I sob and Steve consoles me.  I want to punch them all in the face…each and every one of them.   The couple that I want to punch the most is sitting directly across from us looking at their ultrasound pictures, while they smile and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes.
…I want that to be us, this isn’t fair…

The rest of the story is just as terrible as you might imagine.  We are told that after 8 weeks of being pregnant and thinking that we are going to be first time parents, we are not. 
It was like someone punched me in the face repeatedly and ripped out my heart.

...nothing mattered anymore, I was not going to be a mom...

A few weeks later I was sticking a pill in my you know what to term our baby.  I sat on the couch the entire weekend with Steve and cried and thought of how horrible it would be if we could never fulfill our dream of wanting to be parents.

Needless to say, Superbowl Sunday was pretty much the worst night of my life.  Let's just say there was lots of blood and lots of unidentifiable objects coming out of me.  (I told you this would be graphic).

I joined a Facebook miscarriage support group that had over 3,000 people in it.  Although it was nice to hear others stories you just feel so alone, hurt and confused. After a few weeks I realized that the support group was not for me.  People were writing that they had 5-6 miscarriages and I needed to start thinking positive, plus I was not familiar with their health history or current situations (for all I knew they were a 50 year old crackhead that was trying to get pregnant).

I would not recommend joining large online support groups, but rather just talking to one or two people that you know have had miscarriages.  I actually met a couple girls from the Facebook support group that I felt had similar situations to me and I messaged them privately to talk and left the larger group.

Also- the shit people say to you when they find out you are having a miscarriage is unbelievable.  If you’ve never had a miscarriage before I highly recommend keeping your mouth closed and not offering advice, but I will tell you the worst thing you can do is NOT say anything at all.  I had some friends and family members completely ignore the situation and I still to this day do not understand it.

 I recommend avoiding the three comments below:

 “Well at least you were able to get pregnant, that’s a good sign” 

“1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage”

"They are so common"

After a few weeks, the depression subsides and you go about your daily routine and start feeling like yourself again.  I still think about our unborn baby every single day, I'm pretty sure not a day has gone by where I have not thought about our first baby that I will never get to meet (I'm actually convinced it was a boy).  Today, I would have had a 2 month old, but instead we will have to wait until January to meet our little Rainbow baby and I am finally at peace with the situation.

If you have a similar situation and would like to reach out to me to talk, please feel free as I would love to hear from you.

A Beach Lover: Quarterly Book Review

I cant believe I have almost fulfilled one of my New Years goals by reading 1 book a month this year!  It will be a miracle if I make it through the Holidays, but for now, here are the books I read from May to August.

May- All the Missing Girls by Megan Miranda

"It’s been ten years since Nicolette Farrell left her rural hometown after her best friend, Corinne, disappeared from Cooley Ridge without a trace. Back again to tie up loose ends and care for her ailing father, Nic is soon plunged into a shocking drama that reawakens Corinne’s case and breaks open old wounds long since stitched."

I honestly need to start drafting my book reviews right after I finish the book, because I had completely forgotten how this book ended (baby brain for sure) and had to go back and read some spoiler alerts.  It was definitely a page turner and I would highly recommend reading it if you like suspenseful twists.  The end is seriously amazingly genius!

This book is definitely unique as the author tells the story in reverse.  You will understand more when you start getting further into the book, but I promise it will all come together in the end.  I've never read a book in reverse like that before, but the author is pretty clever if you ask me!

June- The Shack by William P Young

"Mackenzie Allen Phillips's youngest daughter, Missy, has been abducted during a family vacation, and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. Four years later, in this midst of his great sadness, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend. Against his better judgment he arrives at the shack on wintry afternoon and walks back into his darkest nightmare. What he finds there will change his life forever"

I can't believe that I had never read this book before, I seriously bawled my eyes out.  I know its an older book, but since they had just recently made it into a movie I couldn't resist reading the book first (In my opinion the book is always 10X better than the movie).  

There were a few parts in the middle of the book that definitely could have been edited out, but for the most part the book had my attention the entire time because I knew there would be a good twist at the end.  The book definitely tries to change peoples perspectives on blaming god for things that are out of his control.  

I watched the movie a few days after finishing the book and once again bawled my eyes out. Similar to the book, I felt like they could have cut a few things out in the middle here and there, but the ending is just too good.

July- Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris

"Everyone knows a couple like Jack and Grace. He has looks and wealth; she has charm and elegance. He’s a dedicated attorney who has never lost a case; she is a flawless homemaker, a masterful gardener and cook, and dotes on her disabled younger sister. Though they are still newlyweds, they seem to have it all. You might not want to like them, but you do. You’re hopelessly charmed by the ease and comfort of their home, by the graciousness of the dinner parties they throw. You’d like to get to know Grace better."

Alright, this book is seriously one of new favorites.  I would have never guessed that the story would end up like it did, but I was very happy with the way it ended.

Without giving away too much, I will say that it always annoys me when people "struggle" to get out of certain situations.  I feel like it should be easier than they make it in books and movies sometimes.  Let's chat after you read it and you will know what I mean!

August- Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult

"Ruth Jefferson is a labor and delivery nurse at a Connecticut hospital with more than twenty years’ experience. During her shift, Ruth begins a routine checkup on a newborn, only to be told a few minutes later that she’s been reassigned to another patient. The parents are white supremacists and don’t want Ruth, who is African American, to touch their child. The hospital complies with their request, but the next day, the baby goes into cardiac distress while Ruth is alone in the nursery. Does she obey orders or does she intervene?"

You know I love a good Jodi Picoult book!  This is one of her new ones that recently came out.  I heard they are making it into a motion picture soon too and I can't wait.  With all of the racism issues that we are facing today it made me really sad and disgusted to know that people are still treated this way around the world.

Per usual, Picoult is a genius and that is why I have read almost all of her books and even met her in person.  She is hands down my favorite author.  

You can see my obsession by clicking HERE and HERE

That's all I have for this quarter!  I would love to hear any recommendations that you might have.  Also, has anyone ever used Good Reads?  A friend of mine recently invited me to it, but I'm not sure if its worth it or not.  Would love to hear your feedback.